The sexiest post I will ever write
Let’s talk sex- but in a very narrow definition. I want to talk about healthy, consensual male/female sex.
We have a certain narrative around sex that enables us, as women, to feel used. But with some knowledge around physiology of sex- and how we got here his-storically, maybe we can understand men a little better- and ourselves too- and rewrite our own experiences around it.
Let’s be honest. In our current culture, sex is all about male pleasure. And there is kind of a reason for that… and it started out because of babies. Then, very recently, our society has been weirdly skewed to favor men- since around the time Romans created the idea of marriage in a very dominator-culture mindset.
Biologically, it takes a lot for a woman to have a baby. And we’ve structured our modern society around the idea of a woman staying home to take care of the kids- and everyone else in the house, too.
In older relationships when someone dies, the man re-marries in an average of 2 years. A women often never remarries. This just shows a glimpse of how much a man depends on a woman in our culture, and often does not support her back.
So where does this expectation come from?
I think it comes from the fact that women’s cycle shift through the month, and the burden of having a baby makes her biology more picky. This makes the boy want to chase after a girl constantly, and the woman’s job to decide if she wants to. So her biology is skewed to be the judge of the moment.
And this makes sense. At the very least, a mom spends 9 months pregnant, and some more months/years breast feeding. When carrying a baby, she cannot run as fast. In the days of predators to run from, it was important for her to be able to climb trees and protect her little cubs. In studies, girls show to climb sooner than boys. Then add another year or two, or 4, of holding and feeding that baby, and eventually a mom was expected to stay home with the baby when we put four walls around ourselves.
But most societies REVEERED women for this life giving power. For thousands of years, all the cave art and religious artifacts show images of women. Since the ice age melted, any older artifacts we find show a love of women- not men. There is a focus on this drive to create life and please the being that grows life in her womb.
Men archeologists of the 1800’s love to chalk off this love as “fertility cults” whenever a society has images of big breasted women. But we also find the oldest calendars (from 14,000 years ago) marking phases of the moon in 10 month cycles, the same time it takes to create a life. To reiterate… the first way we learned to track time was based on the cycle of a woman giving birth. The first calendar revolved around the women’s monthly cycle. Yes, women were loved.
It was only in the last 5,000 years that this dominator-type culture cared more about physical strength and pushing women out of the picture. The Chalice and the Blade book explains this nicely. And our “civilization” got increasingly more skewed right around 0-200 AD when the story of his-story was written and re-written to put men in the power seat. Then it was written into our modern religions to the point a woman is scorned for wanting to know more, and the man just goes along then points his finger at the woman (thanks Adam).
So yea, simplistically, a man wants to spread his seed hormonally, while a woman SHOULD be picky about whose seed she accepts. Nature helped women to have a sex drive- but also to have moments of clarity to make sure the men she has sex with are more intentional.
In reality, a man can walk away from a one night stand and never look back. With some bad luck on timing, the same night can change that woman’s life forever.
So while a woman often matures faster, climbs sooner, has a stronger immunity sooner, she HAS to be more picky about who she ends up with. She also lives longer, but nobody really knows why. In the cases of morning sickness, the most severe reactions are more often with a girl baby, who has more complex (and just more in sheer quantity of) chromosomes than a boy baby. We are just different. And it can be important in our day-to-day lives to notice how our bodies feel different and know how hard to push that particular day.
Hormones
And then there is the issue in our modern world of WANTING to have sex. And this we can explain with our hormone cycles.
Throughout her-story (his-story does not have to only be his), men have been the ones falling down over themselves to get sex from a woman. It is even said music started with male species trying to win over women- just look at birds in the wild… it is always the men that are more colorful and do all the dancing and calling.
And men just want to have sex more often.
Just the facts:
man-on-man sex couples have the most sex of any couple.
female-female sex partners have the least sex.
That is just by the numbers. Men want more sex, because their biology asks for it. No matter his religious thoughts or expectations, his body, if healthy, will continue to crave it. Every time he sleeps, semen builds up and begs to be released. (And repressing it is actually quite unhealthy, and leads men to lash out in strange ways… see religious molestations in the hundreds of thousands of documented cases). Or it causes the man to want to go get sex elsewhere because the woman only wants it sometimes. Women have this craving of newness also, but if sex was all she wanted, it really is not so hard for her.
And this is all explained by hormones. We all live and breathe and metabolize based on hormonal cycles. Men have the same cycles every day. Women have this daily cycle too, but another one on top that allows her to have a baby only for some days of the month.
So if men have the sun, women have the sun AND the moon. Meaning: we all have the same cortisol spikes in the morning, but women have a monthly cycle that changes by the day.
Women are only really “fertile” for 2-4 days of the month. And in that time, sex feels much better to her. Her orgams are stronger and she may just crave it more. (I wish someone had told me this when i was learning, I thought I was doing something wrong half the month!).
That means her egg “drops” in a usually predictable pattern and is able to accept sperm in that couple days time. But to make matters more complicated- sperm can live in the body for 6 days! And egg “drop” can be delayed based on stress and other outside factors. So the idea of predicting her ovulation cycle is very empowering, but also can be confusing. (should be taught in health class 2.0 in high school).
And women can lean into that hormonal system to learn how and when to push herself to act WITH her body instead of constantly fighting against it. Because fighting too hard on the “off” times can actually be overly stressful, causing damaging release of hormones when a man takes much longer to burn out.
To be FERTILE is equal to being HEALTHY.
Female or male, it is HEALTHY to have a sex drive. If your sex drive is gone, it means something should be evaluated. You may be setting yourself up for getting sick (dis-ease), and your body is begging for a change. This is why it is important to learn to pay attention.
Sexual pleasure has a lot to do with healthy blood flow. Men need healthy bloodflow to keep their organ vibrant (as well as exercise), but most are not taught that women have MORE sexual tissue than men that just engorges internally. And the longer a woman is turned on before climax- the stronger hormonal benefit she gets. So YES, please, to foreplay.
The more INTO sex we get, the more mentally we are focused in on the moment- the less we are thinking and stressing about the past or future- the more pleasurable it is, for everyone.
As humans - and not machines- by thinking about the thing we are acting on- engaged in- we have tiny, minute, almost imperceptible changes based on our partner’s reactions.
When our hormones are in balance, and when we get that release of orgasm, we actually sleep better. That hormonal dance that accompanies the touch/longing includes a perfect balance of dopamine, oxytocin, seratonin, adrenaline, testosterone, estrogen- in an incredibly intricate process that erodes with stress. Our bodies - if in danger- want us to stop having sex and run away. And women are quicker to react to these stressors and cut off fertility than men.
So stress is strongly linked with mood and stress. If a man wants more of it- he can support his woman.
By the studies- men have more sex if they do more chores than men who do not.
So for women- it is all about feeling supported. For a man, it is his version of feeling this biological need to be desired by a woman.
So sex is good for women too. If a woman wants to sleep better- have sex. If a woman wants a man to feel good - sex is one sure way to help a man out. His whole ego is kind of tied up into it.
(MAJOR note here, again, I am talking in generalities of healthy hormonally specific people, based on scientific averages, so apologies if the generalizations are exclusionary- they do NOT intend to be).
Blocking the signals
Scent and pheremones are also so important.
Birth control BLOCKS these signals. We think, in modern times, that we are so smart to prevent a woman from having a baby by blocking one signal- but do not realize blocking the waterfall of hormones messes other things, too. Our bodies DEPEND on that signalling to tell us if we actually should be with a certain person or not.
Many times, women have stopped birth control and realize they do not like their husbands! And it is incredibly important to actually LIKE and be attracted to this person you have sex with - if the intention is physically healthy offspring.
Obviously if society pushes a woman to marry for financial or familial benefit, there could be more important risk factors at play than carrying first and foremost about our children’s chance of disease- but that is a societal mis-step. (priorities off balance, and forces women to scheme in the backgrounds rather than be key players).
But just speaking strictly in physical reality- a woman’s intuition is GOLD in finding a partner that smells and feels good to be with- to get the best chance of best DNA outcomes of her children. It is shown that women choose partners with better matching of DNA when their hormones are working properly. Our DNA wants to find people most DIFFERENT from us, so the stronger of the genes can be chosen when having babies (one reason we are grossed out by our siblings smells, our DNA is too similar and would be bad for our offspring to have same chances of abnormalities).
So forget this narrative about women having sex for men. Yea sure, men may want sex more OFTEN than a woman, and she will enjoy it MORE pending where she is at in her monthly cycle- but sex is actually good for all of us- if consensual. And there are things a woman can do to help get herself in the mood- and many things a man can do to help her feel less stressed.
There is actually a popular University study that found strippers got more tips during the time of month of “peak fertility”, the mid point of the month during ovulation. As women, this is the time of the month we feel our best, feel the most sexual, and when we should plan to give major presentations, etc. In contrast, when on our periods, that is the best time to do more introspective work.
Our hardest workouts should also match this momentum. If a woman works out too hard in the wrong time of her cycle, her stress levels could be so over-worked, that it is worse for her to push through than to just relax.
And while having this conversation, we HAVE to have a discussion about consent. Sex is as much mental as it is physical. Hormones change immediately based on the perceived actions in the moment. Something that could be beautiful and beneficial in one moment can be cruel and incredibly damaging in the next. Sexaul intimacy is so vulnerable and leaves us open to be traumatized.
Understanding the details of childbirth helps us understand how quickly our perceptions change our body’s ability to react in the moment- so often labor is stalled because, naturally, our body wants us to have babies only in a safe place. Our bodies do NOT have eyes themselves, they rely on our perceptions and surges of hormones to know what is going on in the outside world. So again- our bodies are incredibly intelligent and basically have its own mind, our subconcious mind, that uses OUR emotions and reactions to decide how to respond. As soon as a woman perceives a threat, fertility decreases. If a woman gets pregnant in a dangerous situation, her life is in danger. And our bodies respond appropriately.
A man can have sex stressed- but a woman cannot. At least not as easily. Her more complicated set of hormones PREVENT her from wanting sex if she had a stressful day- where it would take a lot more to stop a man from being as fertile. Consider her hormones as more delicate to stressors.
That being said- women can use her signs of fertility, mainly a regular period with predictable ovulation cycles, as an appropriate healthy red flag if something is off. She has a more obvious signal of losing her period of she needs to change something in her life.
Same goes for a man- if his blood flow sucks, he will not be able to keep it up. And blood flow has a lot to do with overall metabolic and hormonal health. But that typically takes much more damage to get that far.
AND- a man’s health and fitness (activity level) status has the same, if not more, effect on a child’s DNA. So while a man’s semen is only needed for the one moment of conception, his health and nutrition status has a lifelong effect on his babies. A woman just has 9+ more months (pending length of breast feeding) to affect the DNA and hormonal (vitamin D, which is actually a hormone) status of her children.
Relationships
It is also fun, in this conversation to bring up longevity of relationships. While it is the most exciting naturally in the first 2 years, it is the perfect amount of time to woo and concieve a tiny baby together. But amazing neuroscience research shows more benefit hormonally to STAY with a partner than to constantly be with a new partner to keep this 2 year simple connection constantly renewed with new partners. To reiterate, our bodies like consistency, loyalty, newness with stability. Like eating and breathing in and out and the simple variations we see in nature like seasonal changes, waves in and out, and wind in trees. We can learn to let our partners grow separatley and together, and we can take the societal constraints off ourselves to continue to grow.
In today’s world, we are getting together later, a whole decade later, than a generation or so ago. And that removes the constraint of needing to marry out of necessity. A woman can have a career, and let her hormones drive her partner choice, as well as preferences. She can have it all. And a man can help her have the healthiest babies possible by supporting her in whatever she needs. The family unit is so beautiful and can be long term if we want it to be. The book the Honeymoon Effect is so enlightening here if you want to know more!
All that being said- sex is super healthy. All through pregnancy, being in touch with emotions and sexual desires is actually all good for helping labor continue unthreatened. And that stress or support a woman perceives has an impact on the kind of birth she has. Birth is just a physical example of the way our bodies require a connection between conscious and subconscious drivers, but anything fertility related is also health related. If you feel sexy in your day-to-day, that is an incredibly good thing.
So if you have a partner who is a dude, don’t be surprised or upset that he’d like to have sex with you everyday. If you ovulated everyday, you would too! But no matter what day it is, it can just take a little more ramp up to get in the mood- or maybe asking him to contribute more in other areas so you can feel physically supported to mentally get to where you need to go.
Or maybe your lack of wanting sex means you need to make a change, whether it is to slow down, or to cut the birth control and find other ways, like fertility tracking, or copper IUD, or his vasectomy, to save yourself from more nutrient depletion and risks of osteoporosis and all the other thousands of things listed on those birth control warning pages.
And best of all- your body will benefit from that touch- but only if you want to be there.
A biological timeline
9 months: for a woman to build up nutrients reserves before pregnancy (especially in today’s society of birth control depleting nutrients, and a culture that idolizes un-nutritious food). a woman’s activity status also affects grey matter in her child’s brain, so strength training really is more for mental benefit than physical!
9 months for a man to build his nutrient reserves and work out to have strong sperm in that single moment of conception that changes his baby’s DNA forever.
0-2 years, LOTS of sexual hormones with new couples, just enough time to have a baby AND HELP raise that child for the first year.
0-9 months post baby, the newborn starts crawling/walking, being mobile, just in time for mom to be pregnant with another child and be able to all run from predators
2-3 years: girls maturing faster than boys, and eventually also reaching puberty faster, all in prep for her to raise babies!
In that 2- 3 years post baby, a man’s support of his baby mama is incredibly important to that mom’s health, AS WELL as their babies. The way a man plays with a child is just different, more physical (at least in our own society), and that has incredible benefit for children. Plus a woman, while breast feeding, and everything else, relies on others to take care of her. If we want the best babies possible- and care at all about this next generation that will take care of us someday- we should ALL care about how mom is cared for.
60 years old: some women claim to be having the best sex of their lives! We want to set ourselves up for this- a long life of healthy sex. You can bet those women are metabolically healthier, too!
100+ years: couples getting benefit from being together in a supportive relationship they can rely on.
So in summary:
Support a mom
dad gets more sex
babies get more care
old people get more care
everyone is happy
